AvPvPvZ
by Captain Razz
Summary: A hunter encounters more unexpected than expected.  'Brains'.  A mixture of obsessions becomes a jaunt through farce and fantasy.  Join the ride.
1. Chapter 1

Greetings, peoples! Now, I'm not promising anything with this one, but it came to me in a wildly vivid dream, so I must share. It might suck, it might be the most odiously dimwitted piece of literary drivel you've ever read…or you might pee yourself laughing. We'll see. I just had to do it. And I didn't do much grammatical editing this time. Flying by the seat of my plants…er…pants.

Enjoy! If response is good, I'd be tempted to continue. And if you guess the title you get a cookie. Go ahead, they're on sale somewhere! :-)

- Captain "There's a Zombie on your Lawn" Razz

Oh, Disclaimer stuff: I own nothing, except this exceptionally extreme excerpt formulated in extensive extenuating excitement. (Maybe extenuating doesn't fit, but who cares.)

AVPVPVZ

By Captain Razz

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The xenomorph hid in the shadows of a stone wall, watching its prey/pursuer scan the surrounding buildings thoroughly. Though a primitive creature, the lithe black alien knew full well that it was in danger, and waited for the opportune moment to secure victory. Distantly it felt the pull of a newly birthed Queen, and was anxious to avoid this adversary and commune with the new hive. But first, it needed to get past this large creature.

The Yautja paused in the shadow of a human dwelling to scan for its quarry. It should have been easy to find the Hard Meat with so few humans about, but the hunter's sensors were picking up unusual electrical emanations from the surrounding buildings, signifying either a hive or something unfamiliar and potentially dangerous. Suddenly a groan sounded through the air, followed shortly by a low scraping sound. The Yautja switched through the spectrums of his mask until he made out a dozen electrical signatures shuffling in his direction. _There were not this many Kainde Amedha before. How have they found hosts so quickly?_ The hunter turned toward the mass just as a shriek echoed through the quiet streets. A single hard meat darted across his path pawing at its face, but that was not what caught the hunter's attention. Following the beast was a pack of what appeared to be humans, but they gave off no heat, only electrical signals similar to his prey. One of the humans had a distinct hole in its head from the Hard Meat's inner jaw, but it continued to amble along with the pack, groaning incoherently.

The hunter was thoroughly confused, and took the opportunity to follow the scene. The fleeing alien seemed disoriented, and it ran straight into the side of a building before slumping to the ground. The creature writhed and shrieked in obvious pain, and moments later its hard carapace began to crack. _What madness is this?_ The creature's call was echoed from behind another dwelling on the quiet street, and three more xenomorphs darted into the fray. Their superior strength and agility should have been enough to decimate the humans, but each time they utilized their inner mouths, the aliens would reel back with shocked squeals and begin pawing at their faces much like the first Hard Meat.

The battle ended quickly, and the group of humans fell upon the aliens with single determination. The hunter watched as the formidable Hard Meats were torn apart by their feeble hosts, and though splashed by the acidic blood, the humans seemed to pay no mind to the danger. His astonishment grew as one human's arm fell off, but the creature simply continued to rip into the carcass at its feet. _There is something very wrong here. I must report this to the Council before they send any more hunters to deal with this infestation._

The hunter slipped away between two dwellings and took refuge in a large tree. From this vantage he could see across what the humans called a 'neighborhood', and his sensors picked up even more electrical signals than he'd registered before. Either there were more hard meats than he'd anticipated, or the planet was swarmed with these strange new humans. He opened the comm. link to the clan ship and waited, his mask scanning the dwellings for any actual heat signatures. Just as his Elder appeared on the comm., the hunter spotted one lone sign in a dwelling on the next block.

"_**Your status, warrior?"**_

"**Strange things are happening here, Elder, but I must contact you again. I have been spotted and must relocate."**

"_**Contact me as soon as you can."**_ The link went dead.

The hunter leapt from the tree to the nearest roof, and then raced from house to house until he reached the occupied dwelling. Something pricked at his senses and made him pause. The plants surrounding this dwelling were lush and full, more so than the foliage in the rest of the area. Two large trees flanked the building, one with large cone-shaped seedlings, the other heavily loaded with small round pods – _What are they? A-corns…for once my useless human training has come in handy._ Lining either side of the enclosure around the house were an odd assortment of plants – short prickly succulents with shining red spines, unusually large berry bushes heavy with ripe fruit, and puffy soft fungus plants whose stench filtered through his mask. Sprawled across the small lawn at the rear of the house, the hunter noticed large grey patches of what he took to be rock, but they seemed to undulate in the breeze. Across the front, the yard was criss-crossed by an impenetrable net of vines, each with bright flowers and large sharp thorns. As he took in the unusual plant life, he noticed that a bulbous plant along the edge of the dwelling seemed to have something hanging from it. He zoomed in, and was surprised to see a human arm sticking out from between the thick petals.

"What is going on here?"

Suddenly a shriek sounded from behind, and the Yautja spun around to see another Hard Meat bearing down on him. He braced his weight for the impact, but both aliens were knocked from the roof. They landed in a heap among the unusual plants, and the crash of their impact was echoed moments later by a chorus of groans. The hunter spared a glance across the yard, and saw a large pack of shambling humans heading toward them. The xenomorph hissed, caught between enemies, and after a thought decided to take its chances among the weaker humans. It rushed toward the group with its spiked tail swinging, but one human managed to grab hold of its arm. The Hard Meat turned and slammed its inner jaw into its attacker's skull, and seconds later screamed in pain.

The hunter watched as the Hard Meat fell to the crazed humans. In moments the creature was gone, and as one the horde turned to him. He took a hesitant step back to gauge his next move, only to slip in mud and fall back onto the raised platform that surrounded the house. His elbow bumped into another bulbous plant, and for a brief moment he swore that it pushed back. The humans surged forward, their groans distinctly translated now by his mask.

"Brains…"

By now the warrior was unhinged by this strange chain of events, and his reaction time was lessened as the horde approached. He fumbled to activate his plasma caster, but seconds later was once again frozen in shock.

A crackle of leaves reached him on the wind, followed immediately by a hail of a-corns and cones from the surrounding trees. Like rapid-fire projectile weapons, they shredded through the swarm of humans leaving a mess of gore across the lawn. The pack continued towards him, but when they stepped on the odd grey patches, large spikes shot up out of the ground into the humans' feet. They seemed completely unaware and continued forward, but the spikes shredded their feet and legs making it impossible for the creatures to walk. One human fell into a pile of lawn equipment, and rose again with a bucket stuck on its head. Unperturbed it continued toward the house, now protected from the rain of missiles from the trees.

The hunter was beside himself now, a lifetime of training frozen in the face of such a strange predicament. The humans shuffled closer, their groaning cries like a call to battle. Just as his fingers found the activation sequence for the caster, his view was blocked by a very healthy, very human leg. His masked face rose to meet an oddly-masked human.

"Fire in the hole. I'd get outta dodge if I were you."

The human raised its hand to show a cluster of brightly pulsing fruit, and when he switched scanning spectrums he noticed that their heat was rising rapidly. The hunter lurched to his feet and stumbled behind the human, who then threw the fruit into the large cluster of humans.

"Inside! Now!"

The hunter found himself thrown through the door as the unusual fruit exploded. He rolled over in time to see the bucket-wearing human reach for his rescuer, just as one of the bulbous plants lining the platform opened. In a flash of leaves and thorns the groaning human was gone.

_What in Paya's name is going on?_


	2. Chapter 2

AN: Wow…heh…y'all rock! Here, have some more. Go on, have some! - Razz

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AvPvPvZ – Chapter B

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The human slammed the door shut and immediately secured two beams of wood across the frame. The 'not humans' thundered against the door, but it seemed more of an automatic response than an actual attempt to get inside. The hunter slowly rose to his feet, his masked eyes tracking the strange human as it systematically checked every window and entrance into the dwelling. As he studied this creature he realized several things – 1) that it was definitely female, evidenced by the sizeable mounds on its chest if not its smaller build; 2) that the mask she wore was from a collection of decorations on the wall; and 3) she was missing the two outer fingers on her right hand and had a long deep scar down her left leg. This observation startled the hunter, who had rarely seen human females so maimed. Males yes, as they had a tendency to place themselves in danger, but the females were usually sheltered.

The female turned finally to study her guest, and the hunter straightened his posture in spite of himself. She stormed forward to glare up into his mask through the holes in her own. "Alright, who or what are you? I've seen too much in the past six months to be easily frightened, so start talking or I'll feed you to my yard."

At her words the male paused, his gaze traveling out the window in time to see another non-human get shredded by hundreds of large red spines. If he was to gather adequate information, perhaps gaining to trust of this survivor might be advantageous. "You ooman?"

The female seemed surprised, though whether by his question or something else was a mystery. "Uh, yeah, I'm human. How could you tell?"

The hunter snorted, lifting one hand to gesture out at the dissipating swarm. "They ooman?"

Her mouth opened in a small 'O' as she followed his gaze. "I see…um, they were human."

The hunter snarled, wishing for once that he'd studied more of the human languages. He shuffled over to a low wooden seat and moved to park his rear when the female gasped.

"NO! That's a table, not a chair! Don't you know the difference? Here…sit here." She grumbled out several explicatives while herding him toward a lower and more cushioned surface. The hunter grumbled, the chair looking too soft to be comfortable, but as a guest he relented. The low seat groaned at his bulk and he wondered if he should just rest on the floor, but the female crouched in the spot he'd been eying.

"So, we'll try something else. 'Yes' or 'No' questions, yeah? You can answer them easily, right?"

Though insulted, he nodded. "Yes."

"Good." Another thud drew her gaze to the door before she fixed her eyes on his mask. "So, question 1: Do you have a name that I can pronounce?"

The hunter snorted. _So much for 'yes' or 'no' questions. _"Yes. Tim."

The female fell on her rump gaping at him. "Tim? Your name is 'Tim'?"

He eased out of the unbearable chair and sighed happily when his backside hit the floor. "Quars'timaete'fe Janka'unar. 'Tim'."

Her eyes widened until they took up most of her face, and Tim snorted in spite of himself. "Ok, 'Tim'. Well…next question: What are you doing here?"

He thought about the mission and exactly how much he could share with this unusual female. "Hunt Hard Meat."

"Hard Meat?" Her face scrunched in confusion. "You mean those black things?"

Tim nodded and was ready to explain further, but his answer seemed to satisfy her curiosity. "Ok, whatever. Third question: Do you know what's going on out there?"

"No."

The female huffed and wiped her damaged hand down her face before rising to her feet. "Come on. This will take a while and I need to keep lookout."

Tim's curiosity had the best of him by now, and though he knew that the hunt was his priority, this situation called for more information if he was to make it home alive. He took one last look around the main floor before following the female to the upper level. Twice he bumped his head on the low ceiling of the stairwell, but at last they reached what appeared to be the sole room on this level. The female reached over the door to a small spike of wood poking out of the frame. She pushed it and then waited, seconds later nodding as a loud thud sounded from the door on the other side. When she opened it, he was surprised to see an enormous hammer swinging behind the door. Following the wires, he realized that she rigged it to fall if the door opened, and the peg of wood essentially unlocked the mechanism. _Quite crafty, this female._

He followed her into a long room nestled directly beneath the roof of the dwelling. They stopped at the base of a short ladder, and he waited while she climbed up into a roost in the rafters – a chair without legs and several blankets, all tied, welded and mounted to the ceiling supports. Once settled, she took a quick glance through a pipe in the roof, above which sat a large crystal ball with a wire dangling uselessly from one side. When she caught his curious expression she shrugged.

"A periscope, of sorts. I can't see with perfect clarity, but I can catch movement at 100 yards. It works. Now..."

She settled into the seat and gestured for him to get comfortable. Tim settled against a support beam and proceeded to sharpen his wristblades while she recollected the story.

"I'll try to keep it short. Six months ago a comet passed really, REALLY close to the planet, skimming the atmosphere and making all sorts of pretty lights in the sky. It also rained crazy radiation down on the planet. To appease the paranoid masses, governments came up with inoculations and the people lined up in droves. Well, most of them. Me…I hate needles."

She looked through the 'periscope' before again meeting his gaze. "Good thing, too. Those shots were just what the doctor ordered to mix up one crazy Comet Radiation Zombie Stew! People started getting sick – my Aunt Gertie too, this is her house – sick like the pox or the flu, and then they were dying right and left. They were dropping like flies in the streets, and no one cleaned up the bodies because they were afraid of catching it. But I knew…I knew that it was those shots, because I never got one, and I never got sick."

Tim snorted when she puffed a little with pride. _Foolish pup. Now you are alone, that is no better._

The female glanced out of the tube again, and her expression darkened. "There was something fishy about that radiation though. I was here watching over Gertie, and I thought she was just delirious, y'know. 'Remember Uncle George and his false teeth? I ran over Percy's cat. You really should get married, Willy. My roses ate Mrs. Jones yesterday'. Really crazy nonsense that I paid no attention to, until I woke up with her trying to chew off my fingers."

The female waved her maimed hand around, and Tim winced involuntarily.

"Anyway, it was me or the fingers and I wanted to live, so I pulled and she pulled and they popped right off." She sighed wistfully, but then straightened in the cramped seat. "Anyway, I bashed her head in with a soup pot, and then buried her out beneath her prized roses…thought she'd like it. The next day they were twice as high."

The hunter snorted at such absurdity, but he'd seen the plants with his own eyes. The situation was beginning to make his skin crawl. _And what does this have to do with the Kainde Amedha? _

A bang sounded from outside, its reverberation traveling through the dwelling. Tim assumed that the non-humans were trying to get in again and readied his weapons, but moments later they heard the scrape of branches against the roof. He looked up through the small windows to see the adjoining trees launch missiles toward the rear of the house. The female cheered and hopped down from her perch.

"Go get 'em, boys! Oooh wait, save some for me!"

Tim stepped out of the way as she raced down the stairs. He followed at a distance, unsure if this female could be trusted. He was beginning to think that she had gone mad in her time alone. The hunter entered the main room to see her launching large berries out of the windows with some sort of sling – a stretchy band mounted to the bent ends of a twist of metal. It had a hook at the end that was secured to the back of a chair by layers of some sort of adhesive plastic. The hunter's scrutiny was interrupted as the female let out a wild howl.

"FIRE! Man the catapults! Take that you zombie scum! YAHOO!" Her eyes found him as she slipped on another wooden mask. "I love the smell of Cherry Bombs in the morning! AHAHAHA! FIRE!"

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	3. Chapter 3

AN: So, if any neighbors had their windows open last night, they would have heard me laughing maniacally at your reviews. Love you guys! More madness for you...yes, just for YOU!

-Razz

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AvPvPvZ – Chapter C

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"_**Your status, warrior." **_

After spending an hour watching the strangest battle he'd ever seen, Tim dragged his eyes from the crazed human to focus on the comm. **"I was right to wait, Elder. I have disturbing news."**

"HAHA! THE PURPLE PEOPLE EATER STRIKES AGAIN!"

"_**What was that?"**_

The hunter hissed at the exuberant female, and curled around the wall until he was in what human's called a 'kitchen'. **"A survivor. The ooman planet has been affected by some type of radiation sickness. The oomans have been nearly wiped out by a plague. It is a long story, Elder. Suffice to say that the oomans are now less intelligent, but more dangerous."**

The Elder frowned through the feed. _**"What do you mean? And how does this affect your mission?"**_

Tim growled quietly, unable to adequately describe what he'd seen, and shuffled to one of the rear windows. **"I cannot explain. You must see for yourself."** He redirected the comm. sensor out to the yard, and heard his superior snarl through the feed. Before he could comment, the female jammed her shoulder into his side.

"Hey! Outta the way, Quarska Timsan! This is war!"

Tim quickly backed out of the way, and his Elder's incredulous voice roared through the comm. _**"What is going on there? Answer me!"**_

The hunter moved away from the window, crouching in a corner where he could keep an eye on his host while staying out of her way. **"I do not understand it either. Apparently the radiation also affected this planet's plant life. It is…I cannot begin to explain."**

The Elder snarled. _**"This is of no concern unless it affects your mission. Have you found where the oomans are hiding their experiments?"**_

"**No, Elder."** Tim hissed at his lapse in focus. **"I believe that this infection is global, and if that is the case, it is highly probable that the ooman scientists have also become 'zombees'. If so, the Hard Meats could be loose on the planet."**

"The fat lady ain't singing yet, Timmy! Get off the horn, man!"

The hunter finally snapped and roared at the female. "BE SILENT!" She halted in mid-step with one foot in the air, her wild eyes showing a small measure of shame. He let out a frustrated snort before returning to the comm.

"**I must be quick. It appears that the infected oomans are toxic to the Kainde Amedha. I will study this more and report to you as soon as possible."**

His superior mulled over their options, and then reached forward to his own console. _**"No. You will rendezvous with the other hunters in your area and then report to me. We must see how far this 'infection' has spread."**_

"**Yes, Elder."** Tim cut the link and turned to his host, surprised that he did not wish to leave her all alone, again. But his orders were clear.

"Ooman."

"That's Willemina Clementine Johannsen to you," she barked over her shoulder while resetting the chair-sling, "but you can call me Willy. Everybody else does…or did."

"Wil-ee, I go now."

The female dropped the sling and turned to gape at him. "Go? Wow, really? But…well…" She pouted and sank into the chair. "Figures. But it's not like you're from around here anyway. Gotta go home sometime, yeah?"

Her disappointment was tangible, and Tim crouched before her downward gaze. "Hard Meat. Mission. Must go. Will come back."

Her features lit up at his words. "You will? You promise? This is the most secure house in the city now, I think. Best place to regroup." She nodded repeatedly until he rested a hand on her head to stop the movement.

"Will come back."

"Humph." She stood and replaced the chair in front of the window. "Best go now while there's lull in the action. Yup, get while the getting's good."

Tim recorded a full scan of the human, _for analysis of the radiation_ he told himself, and then searched the house to make sure that he was not leaving any evidence behind. He felt 'Willy's' presence behind him like a shadow, and snorted when she righted anything that he moved. On his way back to the main level he tilted several frames on the walls on purpose, chuckling when the human put them back. By the time they reached the main floor she was smiling again.

The hunter checked his mask one last time before opening the back door. The human peeked out past his arm and then took a position by the other window with several sprigs of fruit in her hands. "I've got you covered! Best travel by rooftop, Chief. The zombies can't get up there, as far as I know."

The Yautja warrior snorted at her unwavering zest for battle and ruffled his claws through her messy hair. "Be safe."

"Don't you worry 'bout me! Been doing just fine for half a year. They won't get me without a fight!" The female grinned with a mischievous twinkle in her eye. Tim bowed his head out of respect and stepped onto the exterior platform. Just as he reached to engage his cloak, the female placed a hand on his arm.

"Hey, that's your disappearing trick, isn't it? Saw it before…neat-o gadget! A word of advice, though: wait 'till you're out of my yard. The plants are really skittish around anything other than me. Don't make too many sudden moves, either."

The hunter heard the severity in her tone and patted her head lightly. "O.K."

Tim stepped down onto the grass and loaded the rendezvous coordinates into his gauntlet. The location was not far away, and he hoped that the other hunters had more insight into this situation. Just as he bent his knees to leap onto the roof, the female's voice hissed from the window.

"Hey Tim!"

The hunter snarled but turned to face her. _What now?_

"Take some berries! Over there by the fence. Go on, take some. Trust me!"

He followed her gaze to the large bushes along the edge of the yard. He looked at her in silent question, and she waved him toward the bush. "Yeah, the red ones! Take a whole branch…don't pluck the berries 'till you're ready to use 'em, 'k?"

Curious, the hunter carefully crossed the yard to the bush. As he reached toward a cluster, the rest of the bush leaned away from his hand, thrusting out a single branch of berries for him to take. When he touched the branch he swore it trembled in his fingertips, and he winced as it broke off of the main plant. Almost immediately the rest of the bush fell back into place, and the hunter carefully tucked the sprig into a slot in his gauntlet. It would be quite embarrassing to accidentally crush them and blow himself to Cetanu. _Death by berry…I would be the afterlife jester. _

As he again turned to the house, Tim felt as though he were being watched. He hesitantly glanced around the yard, and felt his blood run cold as every petal, leaf and branch turned in his direction. Even the trees seemed to aim their projectiles toward him, and the hunter wondered if he would have time to make it to the roof. To his surprise, the female suddenly rushed out of the door.

"Hey! Let him go! He's a friend…no shooting friends!"

The plants seemed to relax, though he could not tell if it was his imagination, and Willy motioned for him to get going. "They won't bother you. They're just wary of strangers. You wouldn't have gotten the branch if they thought you were the enemy."

She ducked back inside and he leapt to the roof without a second thought, the ground seeming too treacherous without her presence. _I am afraid of plants. Cetanu must be laughing._ Once on the upper-most roof he quickly hopped to the next house and reached for his gauntlet. The hunter felt eyes on his back again, and turned to see the female peeking out of one of the small top windows. She raised her hand with her thumb in the air, and then ducked out of sight.

Smiling in spite of himself, Tim engaged his cloak and vanished into the night. "Crazy ooman."


	4. Chapter 4

AN: So glad you're enjoying this! I'm having a blast writing it. Oh, and I forgot something of the utmost importance:

**krust** gets the cookie! A specially concocted vanilla creme thin mint s'more with rainbow sprinkles and hot fudge. Sorry folks, there's only one in the universe, and it belongs to **krust**!

Enjoy! -Razz

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AvPvPvZ – Chapter D

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The hunter raced across the rooftops in silence, his presence undetected by the packs of 'zombees' that he passed. He was shocked that the human population had been so decimated by this plague, and idly wondered what this could mean for the time-honored Chiva, the Rite of Passage for any warrior before he would be deemed 'Blooded'. _We could always breed them with something else, but ooman-born Kainde Amedha are the most challenging. The Council will be displeased._

Tim stopped on the roof of a large dwelling. His computer beeped alerting him to the presence of other hunters in the vicinity, and he signaled his location before continuing to the rendezvous point. Their Elder chose wisely, isolating their meeting at the top of a metal tower full of water, where no humans could possibly detect or reach them. From the top, the hunters were able to see across the region unhindered; no enemy would be able to sneak up on them.

Five cloaks disengaged simultaneously revealing Yfet'migen, Lamaar, Iksss, Pez and Byak, and Tim immediately realized that someone was missing. **"Where is Haktah?"**

An almond colored hunter to his right stepped forward growling. **"He fell to the oomans. There were too many and he underestimated them."**

Each warrior hissed at the loss, their heads bowing in reverence. The moment was disrupted by a grating cough from the eldest of their group, and all eyes shot to Yfet. Iksss was the first to find his voice. **"Have you been bitten?"**

Yfet snorted, which elicited another cough. **"I am fine. I encountered some of the new oomans earlier. It is nothing, I have avoided them since."**

Lamaar's voice was nearly a roar. **"DID THEY BITE YOU?"** Yfet shook his head, but his wide eyes revealed the truth. The hunters snarled in frustration just as two stepped forward. Byak's plasma caster whirred to life, its targeting system centering on Yfet's chest, while the almond hunter – Pez – extended his wristblades and stepped forward.

"**With honor, hunt brother,"** Pez whispered sadly.

"**What are you doing?"** Tim stepped into their path while Yfet backed away, his eyes meeting Tim's in silent plea.

Byak flexed his wrist, activating the charge. **"He is infected. Where have you been Quars'timaete'fe? I have seen the transformation. This is the only way."**

"**I am not!"** Yfet coughed again, spitting up a wad of blood and foul-smelling black ooze. **"It is only a flesh wound."**

Three things happened at once: Lamaar and Iksss grabbed Yfet by the arms while Pez stepped in front of the doomed Yautja; a series of large explosions drew Tim's gaze back toward Willy's house; and Byak barked in outrage while checking his scanner.

Pez did not hesitate, his blades piercing the infected hunter's heart in one clean cut. Yfet met his eyes and gurgled his last breath. **"With…honor…hunt brother."** As the body slumped Pez raised his arm and quickly severed the Yautja's head from his body. He glanced at the others with a nod. **"It is the only way he will remain dead."**

Tim's beaded locks clattered together while he looked between the female's dwelling and his fallen teammate, but another growl from Byak drew their attention.

"**They are closing! The Hard Meat are converging on our location."**

"**How many?"** Lamaar activated his own scanner. "**Pauk, they outnumber us four-to-one. We need to find a better place to engage them."**

"**They are moving to surround us."** Iksss peered through the growing darkness, no longer punctuated by the humans' artificial illumination.

Pez noted Tim's gaze. **"And you, Quars'timaete'fe? What do you suggest?"**

The hunter was clearly distracted, but determination cleared his thoughts. **"We must regroup and contact the clan ship. It is best if we…"**

*BOOM!*

The hunters whipped around in unison to see a small, puffy cloud rise from the ground not far from their location. Seconds after the sound reached them, they were buffeted by a slight shockwave, and realized that someone had set off a large explosion. Tim's thoughts immediately returned to the crazed human female.

"**Come, follow me!" **

"**What was that?" **

"**Should we really run toward an explosion?"**

Confused but without options, the hunters raced after their comrade. Tim was nearly overwhelmed by the intensity of his concern. _That was too close to her dwelling. She could be injured. Why do I care about an insane ooman survivor? _He skidded to a stop on a roof three houses down from hers, and his jaw would have hit the ground if not held in place by his mask.

The dwellings across the street from Willy's were nothing more than an enormous crater. Surrounding it were the decimated bodies of infected humans and Hard Meats – none could escape the blast in time. He tracked the carnage as it crossed the street – human and alien corpses riddled with plant projectiles – and it appeared that once the trees ran out of ammunition, they used their own branches as spears. Three 'zombees' were impaled together in the center of the front yard, and Tim was shocked into motion when he realized that they were beyond the nearly destroyed wall of thorns. He quickly led the team across the street and into the alley behind Willy's dwelling, and they regrouped on the roof of the house behind hers.

"**What has happened here?"** Pez could not contain his awe.

"**Yes, a very strange battle has taken place,"** Iksss concurred. **"Why have you brought us here, Quars'timaete'fe?"**

The hunter was silent as he surveyed the scene. The wooden boundary at the rear of the yard was in pieces, the once locked hatch lying halfway across the grass was riddled with holes. A pungent cloud of fumes was slowly dissipating in the light evening breeze, and bodies at the base of the puffy fungus plants were rapidly disintegrating into the ground. Exposed roots crossed the lawn, some impaling corpses while others were dissolving from contact with acidic blood. Tim snorted lightly. _If I did not believe before, I am now convinced._

The hunter silently hopped down to the alley, motioning for the others to follow. As he approached the border, rustling branches made him freeze in place. The remaining foliage immediately targeted the group, and the hunters growled while readying weapons. Tim quickly whipped around to stop them.

"**DO NOT REACT! Whatever you do, make no sudden movements. Follow in my footsteps and keep your eyes down."**

"**What madness is this, Timaete'fe?"** Byak appeared ready to bolt.

"**Trust me. Follow my lead."** The hunter turned back to the yard and carefully removed the sprig of berries from his gauntlet. _Humble appeasement of plants? I am officially mad._ He held the berries out as he crossed into the yard, his hand trembling more than he'd like. The roots undulated weakly through the ground and three of the fungi puffed out thin clouds of fumes, but he kept his gaze forward and stared intently at the back door. Stepping lightly, he carefully made his way across the warzone of a yard. From behind he heard grumbled curses from the team, but they followed his instruction to the letter. Tim picked his way through the carnage with his eyes locked to the bulbous flowers along the platform. They were overfilled, many with 'zombee' limbs sticking out from between their petals. Tim's worry mounted, but from this distance it appeared that the door remained secure.

As he reached the dwelling a rumble coursed through the ground beneath their feet, and a large root suddenly erupted in their path to block access to the house. Spines sprouted from its surface aimed in their direction, and the hunters took an involuntary step back.

"**Are we under attack by foliage?" **

"**Be silent, Pez."**

Tim took a deep breath and brandished the berries, bowing his head while he laid them carefully on top of the root. To their surprise the plants immediately pulled back from their path, and the fumes stopped pumping out of the fungi. The hunters released hesitant breaths while they watched Tim approach the door, and murmured to each other that they would definitely squeeze an explanation out of the usually forthcoming warrior.

The hunter scanned the interior but found no trace of the human, and a twinge of fear coursed through his frame. With one last glance at his team, he shoved open the door and jumped aside. As anticipated, a large hammer swung out through the opening with alarming speed; had anyone been in its path it would have cleanly knocked their head off. The hunter waited until it passed again before stopping the swing, and then motioned the others inside.

The main level was completely dark, but the hunters had no difficulty scanning with their masks. Tim scanned for the female only to come up empty, and he motioned for the others to remain by the door while he inched forward. Just as he reached the overturned 'sling' chair, a voice echoed down from the upper level.

"Don't you dare move a muscle! Identify or be destroyed!"

"Wil-ee."

They heard a crash and several curses from overhead. "Holy shit! Timmy, is that you?"

Lamaar cast a sideways glance at Tim. "Timmy?"

The hunter shrugged while his color deepened. "**Do not ask.** Yes. You safe ooman?"

"As much as I can be. But I mean it; I've rigged the whole first floor. Don't move an inch, man, or you'll be shish kabob!"

The hunters scanned the room warily, but aside from the chaotic disorganization they could make out no traps. A sound at the top of the stairs drew their gaze, and even Tim barked in surprise at the silver monstrosity that carefully eased its way down the stairs. The faceplate opened to reveal Willy's twinkling eyes, and she waved merrily before closing it again.

"All hell broke loose when you left, buckaroo! Those black things came back looking for you! Man, I've seen some shit, but that was some crazy shit! I had to use one of my last shrooms!" She continued to babble as she systematically disabled each trap on her way down the stairs. Even Byak was shocked by how many devices she'd apparently rigged around the room.

"**Is this ooman crazy?"**

"**Perhaps,"** Tim conceded. **"But she is still alive when the rest are dead."**

Willy cleared a path through to the hunters, and then pulled off the hood of the silver suit. "Didn't think I'd see you again, Chief. Thought you'd be long gone! And you brought friends." She gave a cheery wave. "Hi guys!"

The hunters shuffled their feet while muttering greetings against their better judgment. Tim poked at the contraption covering her. "What this?"

She grinned and twirled in a circle. "Been scavenging for six months. I found this in the hospital facilities department. Turns out that neither the zombies nor the black things can seem me in this! It's hot as hell though."

"We could not see you either, ooman." With a better grasp of human languages, Lamaar felt rather pleased when she grinned at him.

"Hey Timmy, your pal speaks better English than you do!"

The hunters laughed at their comrade's expense, and Lamaar stepped forward to greet the human properly. "That is because he never studied."

Tim growled, but Willy immediately came to his defense. "Hey, no poking fun. Some of us just don't do school very well. Me, I was always better at building than reading."

She turned toward the stairs and beckoned the hunters. "Come on, upstairs, you lot. I've gotta keep strict watch now that the troops are depleted."

One by one they filed up the stairs, and Iksss growled when the female swatted his rear with the silver hood. "Go on, sonny, mush!"

"**Quars'timaete'fe, keep this ooman away from me."**

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	5. Chapter 5

AvPvPvZ – Chapter E

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The hunters stared around the now cramped upper room in growing astonishment, while Tim slowly grinned with pride. Willy had most definitely been engaged in a war, and her defenses were ingenious. Hanging in front of the small windows were plastic bottles with twist-off caps, filled with small a-corns. Poised beneath or behind each bottle was a large plant – one with long oar-like leaves, another with leaves like enormous ears, and still another with a crown of leaves like the blades of a fan. The plants were relaxed and very normal-looking at the moment, but Tim could picture them springing to the human's defense and snorted at his own imagination. _If we make it out of here alive, I will never hear the end of this._

Willy was 'keeping watch' from her perch in the rafters while the hunters figured out what to do next. Though he knew that their survival now rested on his impulsive decision, Tim ignored the team in favor of checking on the human. He stood beneath her seat for several minutes unnoticed, and then finally poked her foot. The startled female nearly fell out of the chair.

"Jeez, Tim, give me a freaking heart attack, won't ya!" She straightened up and gave the hunter a wink. "That's the least of my worries, yeah? Wha'cha need, partner?"

"Ship come. For us. Soon." Her eyes widened but she said nothing, and Tim hesitantly continued. "You come with us?"

Willy's mouth opened in shock and a tiny squeak escaped her throat. "Me? Come with you into…Outer Space? Wow! I never thought of that." She leaned back to stare at the ceiling, one foot idly swinging forward to tap Tim's shoulder. "But who'll take care of the plants? And what if there are more people alive?" She leaned forward and stared into his faceplate. "I can't rightly leave them, can I?"

"Oomans dead, Wil-ee. You last. Hard Meat, 'zombee', no ooman. Come with us." Tim was shocked at the pleading tone of his voice, but the more he thought about it, the less willing he was to leave her here.

Meanwhile, Iksss and Byak were in discussion with the retrieval vessel sent by their Elder. With the electrical interference from the enemy as well as residuals from Willy's 'shroom', the squad was having a difficult time pinpointing their location. Pez had volunteered to perch on the roof to amplify their signal, and he, too, kept watch for more enemies. He did not trust the usefulness of Willy's 'periscope'.

"_**There! I have found them. Remain where you are. We will come to you."**_

"**Understood. Be quick about it, we have had enough of this planet."** Byak cut the link and glanced over his shoulder at their teammate. Quars'timaete'fe had always been susceptible to distraction, but this unwavering focus on a human, that was in all likelihood insane, seemed more than a little excessive. He nodded to Iksss before rising to his feet to approach the hunter. As he stepped closer the floor suddenly jarred beneath their feet, and the ooman jammed her eye to the periscope.

"Oh. My. God!" She looked down at Tim with wide eyes and then back out of the tube. "It's…it's a, it's a…" She seemed incapable of forming a complete sentence, and leapt down from her perch to race for the tiny rear vent over the stairwell. "Timmmmyyyy…we've got a really BIG problem, man!" She knocked out the vent and shoved her head out of the small hole.

"BATTLE STATIONS! JOHANNSEN'S LAST STAND! THIS IS IT, BOYS! GIVE EM' HELL!"

From outside the hunters suddenly heard a symphony of rustling, and they raced to the windows to see the plants _moving_ around the yard. The large round flowers piled on top of each other around the base of the building, and even the tiny buds assumed a defensive position. Along the side borders the fungus plants popped from the ground to roll beneath the exposed roots, where they filled every crevasse and aimed their stalks toward the approaching threat. The ground rumbled again, and the succulent plants stretched up the adjoining wooden border, pulling themselves higher by their spikes until they were half the height of the dwelling, stretched to their limit but at a better position to launch an attack.

Iksss snorted. **"I will need a full psychiatric debriefing when this is over."**

"**Get in line," **Pez grumbled as he crawled through the hole he'd made in the roof. **"There is an enormous creature coming this way from behind the dwelling. It appears to be another 'zombee', but it is eating plants, and it is ****growing****."**

**Byak snarled. "Growing? That is impossible!"**

"**So are living plants that are toxic to Kainde Amedha," Tim growled. "Prepare for battle, we may need to…"**

"TIIIMMMM!"

The hunters winced as they turned to the frantic human. Her eyes were wide as she pointed out of the front window. "How big do those hard meat things get?"

The air grew very still, and the Yautja warily checked their scanners. From across the giant crater they picked up a large electrical signal, moving very fast and heading straight for their location.

"**PAUK!"** Lamaar punched a hole in the wall. **"Can this get any worse?"**

"What?" Willy's voice was shrill. "What the hell is that?"

Tim rested a hand on her shoulder. "Hard Meat Queen."

"Queen?" The human shivered, the movement crackling through her silver suit. "Well, shit…there goes the neighborhood."

Iksss sent repeated messages to the retrieval ship demanding that they hurry, while the others readied weapons. Willy watched their determined movements sadly, and then shuffled over to stare out of the window. Tim finished with his preparations and glanced at her, startled to see the oar-leaf plant gently stroking the human's back while she idly twirled her fingers through a bucket of a-corns. He approached slowly so as not to startle her.

"Wil-ee?"

The human raised moist eyes to his mask just as a chilling shriek echoed across the neighborhood. "Guess this is it, eh Timmy?"

The hunter rested a hand on her messy head. "Come with us."

Willy shook her head, gently brushing away the plant. "Can't. Something I gotta do." She sighed wistfully, and then crossed to a closed cabinet against the rear wall. Ducking down beneath the slanted roof, she carefully opened the doors to reveal a glowing fungus plant, nestled in a pan of dirt beneath a dark glowing lamp that was attached to a battery pack. She gently pulled the plant from the soil and stood up, cradling it in her hands. Tim stepped forward to peer at it, and she held it up in the shadows for him to see. He switched spectrums to view it properly, and saw that it had a deep purple color with tiny bright spots.

"My last shroom. I've been growing those two since I found them beneath a bush in the yard, they love the blacklight. The other was a prototype of sorts, but this is my pride and joy – intensive day-glo fuel for the past four months. Heh…I was gonna name him Audrey 3, but it seemed too cliché."

She motioned them to the door. "It would be best if we go outside. Those things are getting closer, and they're both as big as my house." She met their masked eyes with a nod and then filed down to the lower level.

One by one the hunters followed, but Lamaar stopped to take one last look around the room. As another shriek was echoed by soft groans from human 'zombees', the hunter witnessed the plants springing into action. The leaves began to spin like motorized fans, and as the top leaf smacked the plastic jar, a handful of projectiles fell in front of the lower leaves, only to be swatted out of the window at top speed. The disbelieving hunter snorted. **"I will have bad dreams about this for a very long time. With honor…plants." **He nodded respectfully before hurrying down the stairs.

Once on the main level, the hunters carefully followed Willy out onto the platform – 'porch' as she called it – that surrounded the house. The bulging flowers shuddered as they passed but made no move toward them, and Willy led them to the best vantage point. By now the approaching zombies were colliding with the wave of Hard Meat following their Queen, and the street began to echo with high shrieks and low groans as the creatures fought. The succulents rained a barrage of spikes in all directions, shredding alien and zombie alike but only serving to anger the two giant monsters. The enormous zombie had reached the trees behind her house, but as it reached for a branch it spotted the Queen climbing out of the crater. The beast gave a heavy bellow that rumbled through the ground.

"BRRRAAAIIINNNSSSS…"

Human and hunters gaped between the two behemoths as they sized each other up, and Tim unconsciously wrapped an arm around Willy's shoulders. He felt a nudge in his back but ignored the chuckle from Iksss, instead offering one last plea.

"Wil-ee, come with us."

The female stretched her chin over his forearm before shaking her head. "If this planet is doomed and I'm the only one left, then it's up to me to help it start over." She patted the plant nestled within her hood. "This baby is four times as potent as the other one. Earth can start over when the dust settles. And maybe humans will start over someday too."

The hunters barked their outrage. "You cannot!" "Suicide!" "Do not be foolish, ooman!"

Willy shuddered, but then the twinkle returned to her eyes. "Best get outta here, boys. Those things are gonna make a mess."

As soon as the words left her mouth, the Queen and giant zombie charged. The Queen leapt across the street, balancing on top of the neighbor's minivan to bellow at the zombie. The giant beast growled as drool dripped from its mouth, and it snatched a telephone pole out of the ground as it charged through what remained of Willy's yard. A noxious cloud rose from the 'shrooms' in the yard moments before they were crushed by the beast, and the trees swayed violently as they launched branches into the fray. The Queen charged as the behemoth raised its weapon, and their clash crushed the neighboring house to dust.

Willy winced. "Mr. Jarvis spent his life fixing up that house." She turned to smile at Tim. "That's your cue. They're busy enough for you to slip by and find your ship."

The hunters nodded their gratitude, one by one placing a hand on her shoulder before engaging their cloaks. Tim remained by her side, unwilling to abandon this strangely brave yet certifiably insane human.

"Wil-ee?"

"Don't go all soft on me, Timmy! Here!" She reached beneath the porch and plucked a tiny bud from the flowers. The miniscule plant opened and closed like a tiny mouth, and she carefully placed it in his hand. "Something to remember me by. Keep the little guy watered." Her smile split her soft, round little face, and Tim purred in spite of himself. He tucked the small plant into his gauntlet, and then yanked her out of the way of a falling post from across the yard. The beam smashed into the house and ripped a hole down the center of the porch. Willy would have been crushed if not for Tim's quick thinking.

"Woo! That was close!" The human chuckled in the face of her near demise, and then pointed at the sky from beneath Tim's bulk. "Hey! There's your ride!"

The hunter looked up to see a ship materialize over the crater. The team cheered over the comm. before racing across the street, and Tim quickly pulled a struggling Willy out of her yard.

"Hey! Let go, buddy! I've got a job to do!"

The thrashing battle finally rolled onto her property, and the Queen and giant slammed into Willy's house, crushing it to splinters. Tim whined high in his throat knowing that the destruction would not change her mind, and reluctantly allowed the human to pull out of his grip.

"Go on, go home! I've got this!"

The hunter looked down at this ridiculously brave creature, and reached up to unhook his mask. As he removed the metal, his eyes met hers and the human's smile grew. Tim reached forward to trace a claw down her cheek, and she reached up to do the same.

"Good bye, Wil…he…mina Clem…in…tine Yo…han…sen."

Willy smiled. "That's how it's supposed to be pronounced. Goodbye, Quars…tim…aete'fe Janka…'unar."

Tim's mandibles spread in a grin that brightened his eyes, and he took one last look to burn her face into his memory. The female shoved at his chest again to get him moving, and the hunter reluctantly replaced his mask and raced for the ship. The moment his feet hit the ramp it began to close, and the vessel immediately ascended into the sky. Tim raced for the nearest viewport just in time to see the giant 'zombee' imbed the post in the queen's crest, and a tiny silver blur ran down the center of the street. His view was suddenly obscured as they passed into the atmosphere, but the clouds did not hide what happened next.

From beneath the ship, a puffed cloud erupted from the surface well into the atmosphere. The ship was buffeted slightly by the force, and the wave of destruction surged across the land burning everything in its path. The vessel broke through into space just as secondary explosions began on the surface, and Tim turned away from the window with a sigh.

Pez sank to the floor next to him. **"That was a very strange experience."**

Byak snorted from across the chamber. **"And a very crazy ooman."**

"**Correction,"** Iksss interjected. **"A very brave, but crazy, ooman."**

They shared a chuckle, but then all eyes drilled into Quars'timaete'fe Janka'unar. Lamaar knelt down and wagged a finger in his face.

"**You have a story to tell**, _'Timmy'_."

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The End

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AN: Hope you enjoyed. Yes, this was short, but I have K&K to think about, and simply had to get this out of my head first. Short but sweet and full of pep. Much Love!

-Captain 'Chompers of the world, Spice up your life!' Razz


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